I had lunch with my aunt the other day, and my aunt is a wise, insightful woman. She gave me a bit of advice that is still ringing in my ears. She told me that the greatest gift she had ever given herself was the ability to accept her husband for everything that he was and everything that he wasn't. She said it was the most freeing thing to do for the both of them. I've been thinking about this now since she mentioned this thought to me. I just don't know if I can do it.
She said that accepting him for him, exactly the way that he is, allowed her to be free which in turn gave him the freedom to no longer be expected to be something he wasn't.
Maybe my husband IS giving me ALL that he is capable of giving to another human being. I would like to think that he could do better, but maybe this is all there is. Which in turn, makes me feel like a colossal bitch for expecting and wanting more. I guess I just believe that if you truly love somebody and they have told you and shown you HOW to love them, and then you don't, then it's a CHOICE that they make. I feel like he is choosing to not think about me, or say nice things to me. It is torture to love somebody who chooses not to love you the way you need.
I can honestly say, that I want to spend the rest of my life with my husband. I can't imagine my life without him. I can't imagine not raising our boys together. I feel like I have to choose between the love that I need and the love that I have. Is it so wrong to want both?
I will work on my acceptance of him. I will commit to not expecting anything from him and then maybe, just maybe he will do it on his own accord. I will promise myself and him that I will just be free.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Things I wish my husband knew...
There are so many things that I wish my husband knew both about me and what I want from him. I think it would clear up so much of the confusion in the current state of our marriage. However, we have a communication problem; that is, he doesn’t communicate. He is a strong, proud man with a heart of gold, but lacks the ability to tell anybody, much less me, what he is feeling or thinking. It has been a huge issue in our marriage and one that seems to me, very simple to remedy. Therefore, I wanted to make a list of things that I wish my husband knew so that he can use this list for future reference.
1. When you shut down and distance yourself from me, it rocks me to my very core. It tells me that you have no faith in me. It shows me you are not attracted to me. It makes me feel like I can’t do anything right. It inhibits me from wanting to try at all. It allows my mind to wander into the land of “what ifs”.
2. Defend me. Plain and simple. I might be acting like a bonehead on any given night, but I’m YOUR bonehead. Make sure that you make that known to anyone that we are with. This includes our boys, don’t let them lash out at me, or hit me. Let them know that I am your WIFE and that you will not tolerate nor allow anybody, not even them, to treat me any less.
3. Hold my hand. My hand was meant to fit into yours. When you reach for my hand, you are telling the world I am yours. It makes me feel close to you in a crowd of people. It allows me to feel like you are guiding me in our journey together.
4. Passive aggressive behavior has got to go. I don’t know anybody who truly loves confrontation, but confrontation is healthy when done in a positive way. When we learn to fight fair, it teaches us how to resolve the conflict and move forward towards a common goal. When you ignore me or choose not to listen to me, it makes me feel alone.
5. Do not treat me the way you want to be treated. I love you. I want to be with you. I, however, do NOT want you to treat me the way you want to be treated because I’m a girl. I like shiny things. I like flowers. I like love notes and kind words. From what I can tell, you like work, saving money, not spending money. Of all the things you could give me, a love letter is at the top of my list and doesn’t cost a thing.
6. Praise me. At least once a day. Make it random, for example, one day it could be about my butt in a pair of pants, another day, it could be about the meal I prepared for you. It could be as simple as thanking me for saving us money on our long distance plan, but I need to hear words that show me that I matter to you.
7. Talk to me. Please don’t ignore me anymore. Talk to me about your day, ask me about mine. Take the time to genuinely show an interest in the day to day routine that I have, I will promise to do the same for you. I actually love hearing the sound of your voice. I love your humor and wit. I love how nobody can make me laugh the way you can.
8. Call me at least once a day. If this isn’t possible, then maybe a text. Just something to let me know that you are thinking about me. When I get a text or call from you, it changes a good day into a great day. It makes me know that for a fleeting moment in your ultra busy day, you thought about me at that moment and cared enough to send me a message.
9. Wear your wedding ring. Now, I know that you cannot wear your wedding ring while you are work, I get it, but when we are going out, it would mean the world to me if you wore it. I hate asking you again and again. I feel like such a nag even mentioning it, but when you wear your wedding ring, not only is it a symbol of our love, it is a symbol to me that you remembered. Not only that you remembered, but that you remembered to wear it FOR me because it means that much to me. I wear my wedding ring with pride each and every day, I wish you could too, even it’s only for a couple of hours.
10. Put me first. This includes our kids, your parents, your friends. I need to know that I am your number one. You sure are mine. When we are having a conversation and one of the kids interrupts, make THEM wait. Let them know that I have YOUR attention. It teaches them that I am your priority at that moment. I will do the same for you.
I have loved my husband since before we actually met. I saw his picture and thought he was gorgeous. Once I met him a couple of months later, I fell in love with his quiet strength and gentle heart. I feel so lucky to be his wife and hope that I have the opportunity to remind him every day. I feel blessed that he chose me to be the mother of his children, because we make some damn good looking kids. But most of all, I am hopeful that one day, when all the dust settles from this separation, we come out stronger and more united than ever before because my life without him wouldn’t be much of a life at all.
1. When you shut down and distance yourself from me, it rocks me to my very core. It tells me that you have no faith in me. It shows me you are not attracted to me. It makes me feel like I can’t do anything right. It inhibits me from wanting to try at all. It allows my mind to wander into the land of “what ifs”.
2. Defend me. Plain and simple. I might be acting like a bonehead on any given night, but I’m YOUR bonehead. Make sure that you make that known to anyone that we are with. This includes our boys, don’t let them lash out at me, or hit me. Let them know that I am your WIFE and that you will not tolerate nor allow anybody, not even them, to treat me any less.
3. Hold my hand. My hand was meant to fit into yours. When you reach for my hand, you are telling the world I am yours. It makes me feel close to you in a crowd of people. It allows me to feel like you are guiding me in our journey together.
4. Passive aggressive behavior has got to go. I don’t know anybody who truly loves confrontation, but confrontation is healthy when done in a positive way. When we learn to fight fair, it teaches us how to resolve the conflict and move forward towards a common goal. When you ignore me or choose not to listen to me, it makes me feel alone.
5. Do not treat me the way you want to be treated. I love you. I want to be with you. I, however, do NOT want you to treat me the way you want to be treated because I’m a girl. I like shiny things. I like flowers. I like love notes and kind words. From what I can tell, you like work, saving money, not spending money. Of all the things you could give me, a love letter is at the top of my list and doesn’t cost a thing.
6. Praise me. At least once a day. Make it random, for example, one day it could be about my butt in a pair of pants, another day, it could be about the meal I prepared for you. It could be as simple as thanking me for saving us money on our long distance plan, but I need to hear words that show me that I matter to you.
7. Talk to me. Please don’t ignore me anymore. Talk to me about your day, ask me about mine. Take the time to genuinely show an interest in the day to day routine that I have, I will promise to do the same for you. I actually love hearing the sound of your voice. I love your humor and wit. I love how nobody can make me laugh the way you can.
8. Call me at least once a day. If this isn’t possible, then maybe a text. Just something to let me know that you are thinking about me. When I get a text or call from you, it changes a good day into a great day. It makes me know that for a fleeting moment in your ultra busy day, you thought about me at that moment and cared enough to send me a message.
9. Wear your wedding ring. Now, I know that you cannot wear your wedding ring while you are work, I get it, but when we are going out, it would mean the world to me if you wore it. I hate asking you again and again. I feel like such a nag even mentioning it, but when you wear your wedding ring, not only is it a symbol of our love, it is a symbol to me that you remembered. Not only that you remembered, but that you remembered to wear it FOR me because it means that much to me. I wear my wedding ring with pride each and every day, I wish you could too, even it’s only for a couple of hours.
10. Put me first. This includes our kids, your parents, your friends. I need to know that I am your number one. You sure are mine. When we are having a conversation and one of the kids interrupts, make THEM wait. Let them know that I have YOUR attention. It teaches them that I am your priority at that moment. I will do the same for you.
I have loved my husband since before we actually met. I saw his picture and thought he was gorgeous. Once I met him a couple of months later, I fell in love with his quiet strength and gentle heart. I feel so lucky to be his wife and hope that I have the opportunity to remind him every day. I feel blessed that he chose me to be the mother of his children, because we make some damn good looking kids. But most of all, I am hopeful that one day, when all the dust settles from this separation, we come out stronger and more united than ever before because my life without him wouldn’t be much of a life at all.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Day 2
Today was a better day. Today I kept busy with my boys and nephews. Today I texted my husband in the morning to wish him a good day at work, and waited for a response that never came. Today I tried not thinking about my situation every minute of the day. I tried thinking of all the friends and family I have been missing since living 4500 miles away. Today I managed to smile for half the time and only cried when talking to a friend about leaving him at the airport. As I sit here, the tears come again because of the unknown.
The unknown and the uncertainty is what scares me the most. I hate all of the cliches: don't know what you have till its gone; absence makes the heart grow fonder; if you love something, let it go; blah blah blah. I just want to know what is going to happen with my marriage. Will we or won't we? I wish I knew.
The unknown and the uncertainty is what scares me the most. I hate all of the cliches: don't know what you have till its gone; absence makes the heart grow fonder; if you love something, let it go; blah blah blah. I just want to know what is going to happen with my marriage. Will we or won't we? I wish I knew.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Day One
Today is the first official day of my separation from my husband of 10 and a half years. I got on the plane with my 2 boys and dog and headed back to Houston,Texas. My kids have no idea it's a trial separation, they just think mommy really wanted them to learn Spanish so we moved to take lessons. I didn't have the heart to tell them that mommy feels like daddy doesn't love her anymore.
So I hear I am, in my childhood home, in my old room that was most recently occupied by my little sister, with all her things, laying in bed thinking, "what have I done?" I feel so empty, like a failure. Why didn't he beg me to stay? Why didn't he hold me and tell me he loved me. How did this happen? Why couldn't I have loved us enough for the both of us.
My greatest fear is what I am living now. Careful what you wish for.
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